So, let’s see..how much did I actually get done this weekend? Well, most the list, except the healthy living classes… didn’t get my outline done for that. Oh well, I just have to set a date for the class, then that will make me get myself into gear:) Always work better with a deadline.

I learned a lot on Saturday night, though. Friday night the girls were over and we stayed up way too late, so I was mostly tired come Sat night. This night, though, it was just me and the boys (and Hannah). I have been scared to stay at home for as long as I can remember. I grew up in a large family. I went to college and had roommates and house mates; when I got saved I was living with some other saints; but when I divorced, I lived on my own for almost a year, before I got a roomie (Aleeta, miss that girl). I hated it. I was always trying to overcome my fears of being in a house, so unprotected, in the midst of much bigger and armed than myself. I would sleep with my Bible; praying, reading, until I passed out from exhaustion. I would overcome fear for a little while, but then it would come back again and I would have to go through it all over again. Fear is torture, to say the least.

So, I was doing good Saturday night, turning out the lights, keeping myself talking positive. I went upstairs to go to bed, had my prego tea, my Italian “cake”, and my “Created to be His Helpmeet” ready for a relaxing evening before drifting off to peaceful sleep. Well, that was the plan, until I heard the sound of a glass falling over onto the counter. I had so many dishes out from the girls being over, and most of them were still drying on towels on the counter. This noise totally freaked me out and of course, my mind started thinking the worst. Someone’s in the house, they are going to kill me, and my unborn baby… who will take care of my children… and on and on. I was paralyzed for a good while at the top of the stairs, wondering if I should go and investigate. I chose not to follow along with the classic horror movie plot, and opted to finishing up my night time clean up and getting in bed (all the while keeping my eye on the staircase area). As I sat up in bed, with all the lights on, I read my book, trying to get my mind off of my fear. The chapter just had to be on how this wife’s life was able to turn around an abusive, drunk to a decent person. Instead of being uplifted, I was now combatting my past and fears of the uncertain future of my children, along with the fear of someone in the house.

I decided that I have gone around this “mountain” too long and it was time for me to get to the root of my fear and dig it up. I began to think of scriptures and logically go through the process of what fears I had. I was afraid that someone might kill me and harm my children. I thought of the old lady who faced a mugger calmly who held a gun to her, demanding money, and how she smiled at him and said, I am ready to meet my Savior, but are you ready to face your eternal damnation? What courage! Death was not something to fear; God has appointed the number of my days, I thought to myself. He said He would put a hedge about those who fear Him and angles encamped about those who trust in Him. I was protected and covered and so were my children. My fear then became what it really was - a lack of trust in God’s almighty providence and character. God knows just where I am and what I can go through; I have to trust that if anything ever were to happen, given I am not bringing it upon myself, it is planned of God and will work for my good. That anything that would happen to my children would be for their good, since they are still under the covering of the parents. I told myself that I could not let an evil heart of unbelief steal my peace. God was full in control and I had nothing to fear. I called Aaron. I knew he would make me feel better. He spoke comforting words, timely scriptures that soothed some fears. As I got off the phone with him, and prayed and meditated some more, I really felt a peace in my heart and was looking again out of eyes of fear for the Lord instead of fear of my surroundings.

Well, I hope that I have finally gotten the victory over this once and for all. I know that fear will try to come back and bother me again, but I hope that this time I will be ready, girded up with truth that God loves me and nothing can harm me without His divine permission. That whatever situation that comes against me I can overcome, because He placed it there to help me.

Oh, and the glass had fallen over because I had placed it on the edge of the towel it was drying on, and the vibrating from the dishwasher underneath caused it to tip over. Nice, huh? I saw it in the morning and laughed at myself.

This entry was posted on Monday, April 14th, 2008 at 6:46 pm and is filed under Our Christian Walk. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.